


Christmas Pain

by HitachiinTwiins



Series: Virgil needs a hug [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Crying, Eating Disorders, Fight mention, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, Not described but mentioned?, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28354161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HitachiinTwiins/pseuds/HitachiinTwiins
Summary: Virgil hated the end of the year, he could almost say that he sad Season Affection Disorder by how much he hated the end of the year.Meanwhile, all that his boyfriends want is to be there for him.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Virgil needs a hug [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000491
Kudos: 13





	Christmas Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Meeeeee?! Want to self-project my hate for the end of the year?! Noooo never heard of her. Fun fact I asked who would hate Christmas in a discord chat and they all said: Virgil or Logan, more Virgil than Logan.
> 
> I tried to avoid self-project on him but oh well. Didn't worked.
> 
> So here we are! Although I should say, this fic is a bit of a messy end. 
> 
> English is not my first language, anything I forgot to tag please tell me.
> 
> Tags explaining:  
> Eating Disorder tag: Is just because he can't eat without feeling bad, but it just like one line so you can jump if you want.  
> Homophobia and Fight Mention: Both are very briefly, and like two lines in different paragraphs.

Christmas, such celebration he wasn't looking forward to.

Roman and Janus were in recess from classes since it was Winter break. Remus, Patton, and Logan would take a full month of vacation so they all could be together. Virgil didn't have that much work since no parents would be crazy to let a kid alone during holidays that meant so much.

That wasn't the point. The point was: That Virgil hated that time of year.

As he walks towards the balcony he could see the cars passing by, could see the fairy lights decorating the houses. It was night, the sky was looking like it was going to snow, yet he didn't care at all if his jacket was going to protect him from the cold. All that he could see was the clouds forming and slowly moving in the sky.

He closed his eyes as he inhales the cold air. "What the fuck I'm doing?" Virgil was glad that no one was in the apartments today, mostly were buying their Christmas presents. So he was alone, biting his lower lip as he keeps his eyes closes.

"It's been... 18 years already... And I still can't stop mourning about those memories?!" He felt tears forming at the side of his eyes as he opens them, blurry lights as he closes them again. "What the fuck is wrong with me?!" Anger started to bubble within him as he tries to clean up the tears.

 _"It's okay to mourn..."_ Virgil could almost hear that voice, which did break him and sit down on the balcony. "I just... Wished it was easier..." He says quietly as he finally felt the tears rolling on his cheeks. "I just wished..." 

"Viiiiirgiiiiil!" He could hear a voice call him, but he couldn't make who called him, wiping his eyes in a hurry as he got up and then looked down, looking that everyone was back. Roman was waving his hand. "We are back! We brought dinner!"

He couldn't find his voice to that, didn't feel like going down and neither to socialize with them right now, all that he could think was... About his feelings. "You can eat without me." He was pretty sure he said loud enough for them to hear as he goes back inside and lay down on the bed, hugging his pillow.

"18 years... Since they passed out... 5 years since her and 2 since her... Christmas was supposed to be so fun... Why?" He buried his face as he felt the tears come back this time he couldn't hold them down. "I just wished... It was easier to mourn."

He sobbed, he felt a snort on the pillow, gasping for air, his head started to hurt by how much he was crying. Hiccups as he tries to do all of them at the same moment, he decided it was okay to let go, he didn't care if he started to hyperventilate. He just cried.

He was so focused on crying that he didn't notice when gentle hands were pulling him in a hug, he didn't fight as he moved to rest his face on the other's chests, and his hand was clinging to their clothes. The crying getting uglier by that. Whoever was holding him, didn't mind as the person kept patting his back with one hand and the other was playing with his hair.

Virgil didn't know how much time passed, was it an hour? Or just a few minutes? Whoever was holding him didn't talk with him, staying in silence. But as the crying slowly stopped, he felt his eyes way too heavy to keep open, his head was pounding in headache. It was no surprise when he fell asleep.

But was a surprise when he woke up the next day, with the sun passing by the open balcony door and blinding him for a few minutes till he sits down on the bed, rubbing his eyes, confused as he waits till he is fully awake to take in what happened.

At his side, he could see Janus, still sleeping. He moves quietly towards the door in front of his bedroom door, where he finds Patton and Logan sleeping in the guest room. Moving to his living room he could see Roman laying down on the couch while Remus was sitting in the armchair, with his head dropping back. Virgil was pretty sure that the bodyguard was going to be having neck pain as soon as he woke up.

Moving to his kitchen he could easily pick up water and take some medicine for his headache.

 _"One step forward, in your own rhythm. No need to rush."_ He closed his eyes again as he felt the tears forming.

"Vee?" Janus's voice was quieter, probably to not disturb the rest of the sleeping man.

"Sorry... I..." Virgil's voice was hoarse, he wasn't sure at all why he was apologizing. Feeling hands over his shoulders he was moved again to rest his face on the eldest's shoulders. He also could feel Janus picking the glass and putting it on the table, where the philosopher walked towards the bedroom again.

Once he felt the bed hitting the back of his knee, he sat down sighing. "I... Can't... Celebrate Christmas... Or my birthday... Or even the New year... Jan. I just..." The caregiver did his best to try not to cry again, even though he could already feel the tears forming.

"Okay. It's okay if you can't. I can't speak for the rest. But I'm cool with that." Janus said as he looked at the ceiling. "Virgil, can you tell me why you can't celebrate this year? Because I'm pretty sure you celebrated it last year."

"I... Feel... Overwhelmed. My thoughts... My memories... I can't stop thinking about what Christmas used to mean for me and..." He had to stop, as a small sob passed by his lips.

"Oh... This is about... Grandma?" The eldest finally understood why he was so upsetting, purple hair just moving with the flow of shaky nod. "Oh, Virgil... I'm sorry." Janus says as he pulls the other back to his shoulders. "It's okay Vee. I swear. It's okay."

Then Virgil was back in sobbing, gasping for air, hyperventilating, crying out loud, feeling the snort and tears falling on the other's clothes. This time he also could hear the reassurance words that the philosopher teacher was saying. He barely had any energy, a few minutes of crying was enough for him to pass out.

\-----

"But!"

He could hear yelling coming from somewhere, kinda distant as he rubs his eyes and sits down, by the amount of light getting in his room, he was pretty sure it was 3 pm. Since he could feel the warm light resting on his body. A big yawn as he gets ups and starts walking towards the living room, still with his eyes closed. "What is happening?"

They probably didn't expect him to wake up, that is what his brain was saying by the silence that engulfed his surroundings, making him open his eyes to realize that his boyfriends were sitting in a type of circle, probably discussing something. "Did Janus call me out, while I was sleeping?" He frowns a bit as he goes to complete the circle.

Sitting on the floor near the TV, between Remus and Roman. "No. I didn't. All that I said was that Roman and Remus should go try to do something, with their energy, because they can't stand still." Janus was a bit annoyed at that as he ran his hand by his red hair.

"And Roman and Remus were saying no. Because they were worried about you." Logan finished as he fixes his glasses.

"Kiddo? How are you?" Patton said softly as he looks at green eyes.

"Headache... Well, thanks Jan for not being like Roman." He smirks joking, although he was teasing they didn't understand that like that, making him sigh. "Well, I will cut it and be straight about it. I won't celebrate things this year. I don't want to celebrate my birthday, Christmas or New year. If you all want, you can do it, but I won't."

The twins looked confused at Janus, that didn't explain anything. Logan and Patton looked at each other without understanding, it was the youngest that asked. "Do it have a reason? You don't need to say if you don't want to. But it's kinda sudden for you to say that..."

"I... Jan...?" Virgil was hugging himself, pulling the strings of his hoodie, he was way too closer to cry again, and he didn't want to do that anymore, his eyes were red, and was stinging by how much he cried already.

"Right... This time of year is very special for Virgil, and it means a lot to him as we all know. But at the same time, it hurts him a lot. So while he has years where he can celebrate it, he also has years where he can't. This year is where he can't." The professor said as he looks at them. "And I think the last thing that Virgil wants is that we don't celebrate it. Because it would make him feel bad for spoiling the fun for us."

"That is..." Roman tried to say something, but Remus moved his hand to shut his mouth.

"Grandma?" The older twin said as he moves his hand from the younger. All that he got as an answer was a nod. "Okay..."

Roman sighed at that, forgetting his own excitement for Christmas a little he remembered two years ago, how devasted Virgil was because his grandmother passed away, everyone was there to support him, but it took months for the caregiver be able to be back at himself. "Fine. But you will at least accept the gifts? We already bought them anyway."

Logan and Patton frowned at that. "Kiddo, I don't think..." The vet tried to say but he was cut.

"I can... Although I will give yours next year." Virgil answered in a low tone. He didn't have any plans, he just didn't want to promise he would show up when he felt so... Bad. "Now that is done... Can you all... Leave?"

They all looked between them, not thinking that was a good idea, but finally, Logan and Patton was moving their hands. And so Remus, Roman, and Janus left. 

"Virgil, are you sure that you want to pass everything alone?" The medic asked as gently as possible.

"No? But if I go, I will stay in a corner either ignoring you all or been sad and crying. So... No, I'm not sure. I'm not sure at all what I want to do, or how I'm feeling." Virgil was bitter and a bit angry while talking, hunching his shoulders forward as he pulls the hoodie up. "Just... I don't know."

"Oh, Vee, it's okay. You can tell us how you feel and what you want to do day by day. You don't need to rush and say you don't want to celebrate today, for now... How about you tell us what you feel for today?" Patton was pretty sure that the caregiver would regret it if he rushed his opinion.

"I... Okay... Fine... Right? Okay, I think I can do that..." Virgil wasn't sure at all what Patton and Logan had in mind, but he supposed it was good to make day by day. 

That day Virgil decided to put on their discord how he felt, day by day if he felt like he could have people around he would write like: "I'm good with everyone." If he thought he couldn't deal with more than one he would say: "I'm okay, with one." Also, had days where he felt like he could only deal with one of his boyfriends, in those days, he would pop a message at the chosen one and say: "Can we cuddle?" And whenever he didn't felt like he could deal with any of them, he would just let it blank. 

They all understood that his mourning was okay, and they adapted to that, his happiness and overall mental health was something to take very seriously. Day by day they adjusted and helped him, they wouldn't leave the house, and he would never get in Roman or Patton's apartment and that was okay.

\-----

"I just, can we just... Stay awake... Playing things on PC, and call for some junk food? Till morning or we pass out?" It was his birthday, and he honestly didn't feel like staying alone, but he also didn't want everyone there. So right now they did a small plan, Janus and Logan stayed the morning with him, they watched some documentary while eating. Patton and Roman stayed the afternoon with him, they played Mario Kart and watched some Disney, also eat some food.

But right now Remus was there. "Of course!" As they go to the office where it had two PC. Mostly because Virgil and Remus's hobbies were playing games together and they could be louder.

The caregiver smiled at that, they played a lot, asking for pizza and a big portion of fries. It was fun and he almost forgot that it was his birthday. But at the same time, he felt okay with that. He did things he liked, he stayed with who he loved. They passed all night playing and eating junk food while laughing and sometimes yelling.

\-----

"Are you sure about that?" Patton asked gently.

"Yes, go celebrate it, have fun." Virgil said sighing. With the younger's help, he was able to do something good for him to eat. He also had done grocery shop days before so he had snacks and drinks if he ever felt like it.

"Okay... If you ever wish to join us, we will be in Roman's home."

"Sure, thanks."'

The caregiver sighed again, as he closed his door. Looking at his home, he felt a bit empty, mostly because of the lack of Christmas Decorations when it was the holiday season. Instead, he walked to his bedroom as he decides to put up fairy lights around.

After that, he picked up some snacks and drinks watching movies in his notebook while covered in his blankets. Sometimes he would get distracted with the lights blinking, but for the most part, he was able to ignore.

Christmas eve, he could see that the darkness in his room growing, as he gets up to open the balcony door, the sky was blue with grey, probably indicating it was going to snow soon, as he smiles lightly at that. He only closed the glass door as he goes to eat and drink something.

When he got in the kitchen he could hear Roman yelling from his apartment, waves of laughter, even some music. Looking at his meal, Virgil wasn't sure if that was a good idea, not skipping the party, that he knew for a fact was better if he stayed there. But to eat...

Almost as soon he got something in his mouth he wanted to throw up, not because it was bad, but because he couldn't. Pushing things back to the fridge he drank some water and was already back in his bedroom. Pulling the blankets over him, trying to pass the feelings, the memories.

The memories of going to her home, it was the only family member who didn't mind him be gay and alter if he has five boyfriends. He endured the other's family members there, most of the time he stayed quiet in his corner with a headphone or helping her in general.

Then, the other parents would eventually start to get drank, that is when things always started to get worse, they would start to throw hate at how bad he was for being gay. And Virgil? He would stay quiet, mostly because his grandma was happy, was happy that he was there, was happy that he was at least partaking in the celebration.

The meals would be so good because she did with all her heart, they all would eat in silence, mostly because he was always at her side. She always makes sure of that, so he would be at least comfortable to eat, after that, he would help her again, taking the food and dishes back to the kitchen, washing the dishes.

Her grandma always said he didn't need to but he would do it, otherwise, he would go, even though he wanted to stay there with her. Eventually, he would also have to stop fights, while grandma wasn't around, picking up gifts; the other parents would start to argue about something silly, and Virgil always make sure to stop it, so when his grandma was back, everything was fine.

Sometimes he would receive a punch and be sore for the rest of the night, but he would always put a façade and smile at her when she was back with a gift. Her gifts for him was always special, normally would be gift cards for him to buy something he liked, others would be something she knew he liked like shirts, oversized hoodie.

While her gifts for others would always be something normal like blankets, towels, or some house item. That is probably one of the reasons the rest of the parents don't like him. Then they would stay till midnight say Merry Christmas and go home. She would ask him to stay and he would.

That is when Christmas always was more fun because she would start to bad talk about the parents, saying how bad they were and how annoying. He would laugh and say everything that happened there ignoring the punches he received, she would always apologize for them, saying that they were just a bunch of idiots. 

Once Virgil asked why she invited them if she didn't like them.

"Because they are my family. I know that you can't see it and neither understand it. But they are, they are everything that I have. For more that I don't like them, they are still my brothers. Like you, you are my favorite grandson, you are a part of my family. I know that my son was horrible with you, but he is still my son. He is still someone I love, I still remember him like the child I created." She always had a sad smile at that.

"So, it's okay after I passed away you don't want to be near them, after all, they aren't your family. It's okay to mourn and be alone. Just remember to not let this stop you from doing anything, remember to move on in your own time. Know that at least you had one family member who understood you and loved you the way you were."

Every time they talked about it Virgil was always crying, clinging to her with his life. After that, he decided to record and take pictures of her during the celebrations, he still has those pictures and short videos, yet he couldn't watch them.

"NO!" He yelled as he buried his face on his pillow, he didn't want to remember, he didn't want to face the reality. The reality was...

He missed that, he hated his family who were homophobic, he hated he had to deal with the fights, arguments, hate threw towards him. But he loved that constancy, he loved her food, he loved the small parties after they all were gone. He missed that, he missed that magic she did, where only during the dinner time they would be nice to him.

Once she asked for him to bring his boyfriends there, after that day, the six of them always would be there at least once a week. She loved them and adopted them as her grandson that day, it was funny, it was good. The next Christmas the six of them would be there, it was so much better not have to deal with everything alone.

"Stop... Stop please..." He cried loudly as he starts to hit his head with his fists. "I don't... I don't wanna..." He turned to look at the fairy lights blinking. "I wanna decor a Christmas tree... No... Please stop..."

"Virgil?"

He looked startled at the door, he didn't realize when Roman got in, flinching back on the bed. "When?" His voice was broken, he wasn't sure what happened, so he was confused as he looked at him.

"You yelled No." The writer walked quietly and slow at the bed, sitting on there and holding a hand. "My love, can I?"

Virgil looked at the hand and then to Roman, launching himself on the other's arm, he then started to cry again, now finally understand why his voice was broken, he was yelling, sobbing, hiccups as he tries to breathe. He had a horrible headache because of that, but his boyfriend didn't seem to mind it.

After what seemed an eternity, he was finally able to calm down when Roman smiled. "We are going to Remus's apartment now, you are coming with me."

"What?! No! I..." 

"It's okay Virgil, honestly. Let us help you, you already proved that staying alone isn't doing any good to you. So lets us take care of you. If that doesn't help them, we will let you alone again, okay?"

He thought about it for a few minutes, Roman didn't seem to mind the silence and thinking, just holding him and rubbing his back. "Okay..."

The writer smiled as he helps the other get up, after that he picked the black with purple patched hoodie and thrown for the other, soon both went down the stairs, where Virgil was the one to open the door, soon he blinked in surprise a few times.

Yes, it had a tree to symbolize Christmas, but the decor was rather out of season, as everything was related to pumpkins, black cats, dried flowers, and sticks. "What is this? Halloween in Christmas?" He smirked as he looks at them.

"Yes! Exactly!" Roman said beaming behind him. "So, let's celebrate ~! Remus has a karaoke, and later we can watch The Nightmare Before Christmas and Black Cauldron."

"Honestly, it wasn't good. Celebrating Christmas without you..." Patton said shyly as he fidgets with his cardigan sleeves.

"It was like... Missing an important part. So... Remus had this idea, Janus helped, Logan and Patton, got the food and drinks here. And I went to get you. Is this okay?" The writer was playing with the hem of his shirt, not sure if they did well or not.

Virgil got inside the apartment taking the decoration and at them, his shoulders relaxed as he jumps on Remus's lap hugging him. "It's okay. Thanks." Sure he couldn't simply forget about his grandma, sure as hell, his head was aching from so much crying. 

The older twin got surprised but held the other, chuckling. As the second-youngest smiled. "Group Hug!" Remus says as he gets up with Virgil and soon enough Patton and Roman were hugging their sides. And Logan and Janus were the last hugging them. 

But... Maybe celebrating Christmas wasn't bad as far as he had his boyfriends


End file.
